Day 1: Assembly & Asphyxia

Well, the treadmill has arrived. I went online to track the shipment of my beloved new treadmill this afternoon and discovered with glee that it was already in the local distribution warehouse. I called the warehouse to see if they could deliver it this evening, but alas, they would not be able to schedule a drop off until Monday. "That simply will not do," I said in a huff as I hung up the phone (in a huff), borrowed a suitable transport (also in a huff), drove to the warehouse (huffy as well), placed my order sheet and identification in the hands of a very nice warehouse worker lady (only slightly in a huff, but still in a huff, regardless), carted my prize out the door (huffing and puffing), wedged it into the back of my suitable transport (huffily cursing), and drove it home (no huffing there). The box weighed slightly under 17 tons, so I was barely able to haul it into the house. I had to take an end-over-end approach to bringing it in which was productive... and entertaining for my useless neighbors.

Once inside, I assembled the parts uneventfully and began to explore my new workout toy with the curiosity and vigor of a 12 year old with a Playboy.

I am severely out of shape.

One half mile at 4.5 mph was enough for me. In my defense, my workout began at 1 A.M. after a full day of work, and the assembly/delivery of said product. That is all in my defense. I also run like a friggin' Clydesdale, stomping and clomping my way around with an occassional shuffle and stumble. We'll see how it all goes tomorrow.

Because pee isn't as important

Isn't it beautiful? You know you're getting old and tame when you get excited over a toilet purchase. However, in my defense, it is a really cool crapper. This is what's called a "dual flush" unit. Basically, it has two different water usage levels: 1.6 gallons for solid waste and 1.05 gallons for liquid waste. In case you didn't follow, solid waste is poo-poo and liquid waste is pee-pee.

I don't know who came up with this thing, but they spend way too much time in the bathroom. How did they figure out how much water is needed to clear pee? I figure it had to be a guy standing in the bathroom with a case of beer repeatedly pissing, flushing, then bending the rod in the tank to find out the "break point" for when the pee didn't flush. I want that job.

I Can't Make Fire

Ever since I re-jacked myself in to the Entertainment Super Highway, otherwise known as digital cable, I've been hooked on a show called "Man vs. Wild". If you've never seen it before, you should because it's pretty friggin' awesome. I'll give you the run-down: Basically, this skinny white English guy throws himself out of a helicopter with a knife and a chapstick, chows down on whatever bug or dead mammal comes across his path, climbs up mountains, and slides down glaciers to find his way back to civilization.

Now, some of the show is definitely staged, but it really doesn't take away at all from the overall effect. That effect is what prompted me to attempt to start a fire with nothing but a flint and grass clippings in my back yard. Did it work? Nope. Well, kind of. I did get several embers and a small flame on a few occasions but never anything substantial enough on which to cook the steak that I filleted off the cougar that attacked me which I killed with the spear I whittled from the giant oak that I felled with the axe that I smelted from the iron ore that I excavated from the bat cave that I repelled into with the rope that I wove from the vines that I trimmed in the jungle which I traversed on my journey to discover an ancient race of pygmies who live deep in the Amazon who have no running water, no modern textiles, no cars, no planes, no blogs, and no lighters but who still manage to make a freaking fire!

I feel useless.

Sign of Apocalypse

I just ordered a treadmill, so I'm well on my way to becoming a lab rat. I did, however, get a great deal at $599 for a 2.25 horsepower motor and a 300 pound weight limit. The weight limit was important considering I've grown to become a quasi-fat-ass in the last three to four years.

In 2004, a year after I got hitched, I weighed in around 190, which is a weight at which I feel comfortable. I'm about 6'1 and still carry a lot of muscle mass built from soccer and karate way back in the day. I now weigh approximately 240 unpretty, James Gandolfini breathing pounds.

The wife and I were planning to go to Yosemite this October to take in all the sights, including Mono Lake. Unfortunately, in my present physical condition, I'd be more prone to take in all the fresh air, flat on my ass about a quarter of a mile up any trail. Thus, we have decided to delay our trip until 2009.

My goals in the meantime are thus: To weigh fewer than 200 pounds by the beginning of 2009. To be able to run/jog for at least 5 miles non-stop by 2009.

That second one is a hefty goal for me. I've never been much of a distance runner, even when I played soccer. I always seemed to be more accustomed to extended series of sprints rather than settling in for a long haul.

So we'll see how it goes. The wife and I have made a solemn pact to each other, as this is something of an anniversary gift to ourselves, to make sure that this path away from pudginess never be littered with hanging clothes. Repent!

Application Snobbery

I recently became hooked on a cool little music application called
FooBar2000 which is really customizable, uses a really low memory
footprint and looks sweet to boot. I found myself thinking, "man, what
was I thinking using Winamp when this was out there." Then I thought,
"god, what about those poor souls out there who are using MusicMatch or
iTunes... fools." At that very moment, I became guilty of Application
Snobbery.

Application Snobbery is basically a smugness surrounding one's choice
in software for various tasks, and a feeling of superiority over those
who haven't made quite as intelligent a decision in their application
selection. App Snobs are the connoisseurs of their targeted application
communities and post rampantly in forums regarding the superiority of
the application they utilize and the obviously equal superiority of
their craniums.

So what can a person do to avoid becoming an App Snob after they've
experienced a software epiphany? Just look for the warning signs:

1. Posting to your software's forums when you aren't having a problem with software.
2. Sending out unsolicited software installers to friends and family.
3. Exhaling loudly when you are forced to use "that other piece of crap software" on your work computer.
4. Sending emails to your IT guy demanding to have your software installed on every computer in your office.
5. Getting into arguments with your IT guy, who is also an App Snob, over the hows and whys of who's software is better.
6. Purchasing a T-shirt with the logo of your software
7. Wearing a T-shirt with the logo of your software in public
8. Purchasing a T-shirt with the logo of your software as a gift for friends who "should be using it, too."
9. Installing your software on your Mom's computer even though she adamantly states that she "likes the old one just fine."
10. Beta testing.

Save yourself before it's too late